Leaving Inner Space

Argh! Rainy days once again! Know what? I hate rainy season. Aside from the fact that it’s quite annoying going to work looking like a wet chick--not to forget that you can’t also don your pretty dress you’ve just bought from Folded and Hung cuz you have to wear something that is perfect for rainy days--but please! Not a water-proof bohemian skirt dude! One thing I hate most about rainy days? Memories! Well, call me a sentimental and emotional freak if you want, but the sound of the rain showers really causes a lot of stab on my heart. Oh well, of course, I used to love rain before! I’ve been a kid and kids love playing outside the rain. I’ve been to school, and as a schoolgirl, rain for me means NO CLASSES if not SUSPENSION OF CLASSES! Hahaha, those good old childhood years! Okay, so I do love rain. I love the cool breeze and the sound of rain on the rooftop. But that was before Oliver died. And now that he’s gone, I wish it will not rain for the rest of my days!
Memories of the two of us together, cuddling each other under the thick blanket during one of our getaways in Zambales, in particular, is what rain reminds of me. Well, it was summer time when we went to Zambales, but it’s already mid May so as expected, it’s already the start of the rainy season. It was so cold and we honestly weren’t able to swim on the white waters of Zambales because of the storm. So we just stayed inside the cottage and rest and talk and cuddle each other the whole time we’re there--and of course, we kissed a lot! Mushy! Wheww! I could still feel the warmth of his body sweetly embracing me! Those were the happiest days of my existence. We’re like really husband and wife then--going to the market to buy our food, eating together na nakakamay, talking about our love story and sharing our plans for the future, sleeping together. And this I tell you, it feels so good waking up in the morning seeing the face of your other half smiling at you like as if he’s been watching you and gazing at your lovely face the whole night! Oliver always did that to me. He would often wake up before I did and I would always see him gazing at me, then he’ll whisper the words I LOVE YOU that really never fails to melt my system, making it a start of a wonderful day for me. I just love those good old sweet days of ours. Never mind if it’s a takas and that my mom thought I was in Laguna with Liza. Honestly, there are no regrest whatsoever. And if there should be a regret, that will be just because I didn’t tell my mom the real score. But spending those feel-good moments with Oliver made it all amiss. I would have regret it more if I didn’t go on with my heart’s desires. At least, even if he’s no longer here on earth physically with me, I still have with me those wonderful memories that I would forever cherish inside my heart and soul.
And so, why do I hate rain? Because the sound of the rain made me even more feel the fact that those happy moments with Oliver can never happen again in this lifetime. Not unless God would grant my wish to bring him back to me at least for a day. It’s like rain showers add more insult to the already heartbreaking injury. It made me even more realize that , yeah, oliver’s already gone. Well, i’d love to love rain again. I’d love to feel the happiness whenever I hear rain showers. But I want to love it again with oliver. Hell yeah, I might as well just wait for my next lifetime. Hit it!


****it was a post i published over my Friendster blogs two years ago..i just thought of sharing this with whoever is interested in reading my blogs..thanks anyway!

I really had a grand time at party central last friday..Thie, Em, and I watched MYMP and Side A..well, actually twas em's event..she had to write a story about it...but it was really thie and I who were so gagah about MYMP and Side A...grabeh! juris' voice is really cool! she could make you feel like being cuddled to sleep..sobrang lamig...even the way she performed,,astig talaga..i personally like her moves when she sang Waiting in Vain...it's like ur watching a reggae band...even the way she dressed that night,,huh! lufet! and of course,,no one can ever beat my fave local band,SiDe A...they never really fails to lift up my spirit,,,then, the band's new bassist sang LATER by Fra Lippo Lippi and that really made me emotional,,,twas one of oliver's personal fave....he was really touched with the song's tune and lyrics..thie told me that maybe oliver's with us that time...and that made me think..yeah, maybe he's really there...so, being a let-me-ask-for-a-sign person that i am, i told myself that if one of oliver's fave songs will be played for the last time, then i will be convinced that he was really with me that time...i have no song in particular--but since side a's the one performing, i first thought of FOREVERMORE...haplessly, side a's next set of songs were all dance music na...then, finally, they told the crowd that their next song will be thir last song na..hoping against hope, i still waited for it--only to be disappointed,,coz they're last song was still a disco one..then the band already gave thanks to the audience and the lights were already put off...so thie and I decided to go out na...and talking about signs, just when i thought oliver has already forgotten me na,,the intro of forevermore started to play in the background,,it was like, huh? then, i heard joey generoso singing forevermore,,and that indeed cause me to be sooo emotional that i almost broke into tears...why not? i've just had one miracle--one great indication that love really moves in mysterious ways...when joey g. started singing forevermore, i knew oliver's with me,,i knew from my heart he's watching me..i could even feel his hands holding mine...it's what you call the signs from heaven...sometime, you just have to believe...imagine, i never thought they will still sing that..in all three times that i've watched side a perform live in concert, they always, always, end their song with a dance one...they never ended it with a love song or slow one...and now what? really, love is so powerful..time and distance don't really matter when two hearts are in love...only they could understand why...oliver really loved the song..i still remember we were riding a fx on the way to his school when that song was played over the radio...he then told me that he really liked the song...he even sung it for me...and i was really touched coz i felt like he was dedicating that to me....i'm not really a forevermore-fanatic before coz for me it's already a gasgas song since almost all lovers have it for their theme song--and i could hear it on almost all weddings that i'd attended...but oliver's gesture made me love to play the song over and over again....he even whispered the lyrics on my ear and that was really sooo kilig...oh hell! it made me miss him more and more now. if only i could sleep for one whole day and just be with him wherever he is, then that would be one of the greatest thing that will happen to me after he left....then, when we were walking along abs-cbn, we honestly smelled a candle...yeah, you might find it weird or oa or what, but that's true...hey, it was raining that time and we were on the streets, so who the hell would light a candle outside a rainy street? i just know from my heart that my honey's really there..i believe when he told me that he'll never ever leave me...i know he's always here...inside my heart...

“Perhaps, I’d rather stay in your heart where the world can’t see me…"

I tell you, it really stroke me! I just read it from the short story written by a certain Arnel, which is about a daughter who’s mom has breast cancer and only have eight months to live. The story is good—a little usual I think, since it again tells of how people cope with that ever devastating situation of losing someone ‘cause of that bitter slice of life called DEATH. It was on that certain part of the story that really kept my eye glued on the paper…the part where the mother is talking to her daughter casually about death…And that was what she said..that she’s rather stay in her daughter’s heart where the world can’t see her…For that certain moment, I felt like Oliver talked me through that thousand of words written on that page from the magazine. I felt like as if Oliver was the one saying the line… Could it be? Well, only the heart knows. I believe in my heart that it’s what he wanted to tell me. That I should not feel alone and lonely because I still have him….only this time, only me could feel,,only my heart could see…I never really thought of how good life is since he died…I never even dared to dream big since he left. It’s like I decided to stop my world from revolving since he died…I don’t even know where I’m heading.. I stopped dreaming..I stopped wishing---oh well, there’s still one wish that I haven’t stopped aiming for---that is to see him once again, for the last time in this life…Can you imagine how miserable I became since he left? I never even thought of growing old because I feel like as if I’m not gonna reach 30…I don’t really know what is God’s plan for me…I don’t really know why it has to happened to me…Presently, I’m taking life one day at a time..I just go with the flow..I’m like a leaf, floating freely in the air..very fragile…It can’t even decide on where to go..only the wind knows where it will take the leaf….I don’t know for how long will I feel this way—or will I ever get over this pain….I just wish that one day, when I wake up, it’s already Oliver’s face that I will see…I’m yearning for that day when we could be together again…sharing the love that may not be bound here in this lifetime, but is meant to last till eternity…

Depressed ako..

Eh ano naman ngaun sau?

Do you care ba?

Who cares nga ba?

Baka nga carebears di rin mag-care sa ken eh..

Pano nga bang mamuhay ng normal

ang isang taong katulad ko na nagnanais ng takasan ng ulirat?

Paano nga ba magbabalik ang dating masayang halakhak

at matamis na ngiti kung sa bawat pagpikit ng mata, taimtim na nananalangin na sana,

hini na muling bumukas pa ang mga mata?

sbe ng ugok na "boyfriend" ng kababata ko't matalik na kaibigan,

miserable daw ako..

bitch pa nga daw ako eh..

at eto pa, pangit daw ako!

Hinayupak na un! Kala mo naman kaguwapuhan siya!

Eh mukha naman siyang alipunga noh!

Siya ang pinakamagandang ehemplo ng taong ipinanganak na mukhang paa..

Hay! Tingin ko mas miserable ang "kaibigan" ko kse kaya niyang sikmurain ang kchakahan at kawalngyaan ng alipungang yun!

Pasensya na, friend! Dito ko na lang ibubuhos ang inis ko..

Nakiusap ka kse sken, di ba?

Pwes, pinagbigyan kita..

Pero sana, sana lang...ako na lang ang mali sa ating dalawa..

Siguro nga miserable na nga talaga ako gaya ng sbe ng taong alipunga

Kse di ko na kayang tanawin ang hinaharap

Pakiramdam ko kse, bago ako mawala sa kalendaryo,

mahihiga na ako sa kabaong kong kulay orange

Wala na nga akong pakialam kung sino pa ang maging presidente ng Pilipinas sa susunod na eleksyon eh..

Kse naman feeling ko, nde na ako maapektuhan nun..

Kaya ba niyang gumawa ng ordinansa para sa mga kaluluwa?

Hay! Eto na naman ang ugok kong utak..

Kung ano-ano na naman ang iniisip..

Mahirap talagang mabyuda ng hindi pa ikinakasal..

Lalo pa't sa bawat patak ng luha at lamlam ng matang nakikita mo sa pamilya ng mahal mo,

Ay parang isang libong saksak sa puso mo

Dahil hindi pa rin mawala sa isip mo

na ikaw ang may kasalanan kaya siya namaalam ng maaga sa mundong ito..

Paano ka nga naman mamumuhay ng normal kung gayon?

"Losing him made me wish I'm a hard disk,

so that anybody could reformat me

and could make me forget about everything, most especially

tha pain...."


-peppermint_nhie21

wish to write a special poem, or create a lovely song

just to tell the world how wonderful our love was..

But i guess, no amount of words and no heartwarming melody

could give life to a wonderful love story that only You and I

knows very well...Only our hearts could magically explain just how amazing it was..."


--peppermint_nhie21

"It doesn't matter if i met him too late or if the time we'd spent with each other was too little..
At least, I found him!"

"minsan, iniisip ko na bitawan ko na lang ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya,
pero paano?
Hindi ko na nga hinahawakan pero hindi pa rin umaalis sa lugar na matagal niyang ginawang tirahan..
Namahay na siya sa puso ko,
tuloy, kahit na may gustong sumiksik hindi sila makasingit..
Paano pa? Eh wala na ngang espasyo para sa iba?
At kung isang arawkusang mawala iyon sa lugar na ginawang na ginawang silungan,
marahil ay mahihirapan pa rin silang pumasok..
Sapagkat ang loob nito ay lumamlam na..
At marahil, walang sinuman ang may kakayahang magbalik na dati nitong kulay..
Sapagkat tanging liwanag lang niya ang bubuhay mula sa paglumbay..."




***an SMS from a dear friend..I believe she created this for me..Well, it suits my feelings well..

"He made me feel like a true woman..
Perhaps, only few women has ever experienced in this lifetime..."

"i know i don't have the power to breathe life into his lifeless body,,,
But I hope my love is enough to bring him back to life..."





***from the heart of a miserable soul***

Meeting him deprived me of the opportunity to go out with other guys..

Loving him deprived me of experiencing what it's like to love other men..

To have an "ex" is really an unfamilliar thing for me....

Losing him deprived me of experiencing how it's like to get married and have a family of my own..

and yet, i never regret anything...believe me, there never was a time..

for he is everything i dreamt of in an ideal man..

he'll forever remain the only other half that's making me whole...

he'll forever be the only true love i know and will cherish in my heart...

i'm just as glad for i know, no matter how tragic the end of our lovestory in this lifetime is,,I was one of his life's missions..

i was part of his wondeful 23 years of existence...

Napagisip-isip ko, masarap din palang magsulat ng tagalog, ano. Bakya nga lang pero at least, mas madaling maintidihan. Ikaw ba, naisip mo kung totoo nga kayang tumatawa ang tao naka-costume nang pangJollibee pag nagpapapicture? Hirap intindihin talaga ng buhay, sa totoo lang. Minsan akala mo ayos na yung saya mo,,tapos biglang-bigla, ilalaglag ka ng kapalaran..ewan ko nga ba kay Gloria kung bakit ayaw pang bumaba sa Malacanang..akala naman niya, naiimpress ang mga tao sa nunal niya..Eww! Mayamaya, Lovenotes na naman sa Wave 89.1..Feel-Good Friday na kasi..ano na naman kayang problemang pampuso ang idadaing ng isa na naman sa mga nasawi sa pag-ibig..minsan iniisip ko baka iniimbento lang ni Joe d' mango ung mga storya dun eh..pero hindi, mataas ang respeto ko dun sa taong yun..parang si Vic Sotto un sken eh..nginitian kse niya ako nung minsang magpunta ako sa Wave eh..kanina nga pala, nagpunta ako sa Eat Bulaga kasi binigay ko kay Jose yung contract tsaka yung tarpaulin na gagamitin for Meisic Mall opening..syempre pa, libre nood muna ng Bulagaan..nung nakita ko na si Bossing, hay grabeh! pRa kong nakita yung Papa ni Oliver na naglalakad sa stage..Papa Turing na Papa Turing talaga! Iba talaga arrive sken ng Eat Bulaga..Hoy! Wala akong pakialam sa mga friends ko diyan na nagpapaka-sosyal noh at kunwari eh hindi nanood ng Eat Bulaga pag tanghali at nasa bahay sila..Pa-watching MTV, Survivor, Amazing Race, at kung ano-ano pang mga kaeklatan sa ETC channel yang mga pinaglalagay ninyo sa profiles ninyo! Hoy! Aminin ninyo, lumaki rin kayo na Eat Bulaga ang pinanood ninyo sa bahay noh! Arte nitong mga 'to! Well, i must admit, ako rin naman nanood nung mga ETC programs na yun noh, but never was a time na ipinagkanulo ko ang Eat Bulaga at si Jollibee, pati na si Tito, Vic, and Joey dahil favorite ko tlaga yun! Arte nitong mga 'to..nakatikim lang ng 12t na sahod sa call center, kala mo kung sino ng maka-astang mayaman! Tigilan ako ha! Tagos ba? bwahahahah!!! Hoy kaibigan! Matauhan ka nga! Ikaw ba eh kya mong pangatawanan yang pagiging shala kid mo? Makapagsabayan ka lang kse diyan sa mga SC ring mga ofcm8s mo sa call center na yan, lahat na ng pinanggalingan mo, kakalimutan mo eh..At take note, ultimo ang bestfriend nating si Jollibee kinakalimutan mo na...Hay ate! gising!

Bakit nga kaya ang mga tao noh, mkapagsalita lang ng English, akala mo na si Einstein kung ituring ang sarili? Kung ano-anong salita ang pinapauso..pausukan kaya kita diyan nang matauhan ka! aktibista ako, eh ano ngayon sau? Kiber mo, eh sa asar ako sa mga intsik (pero hindi lahat ha kse marami akong chinese friends), sa mga koreano, at lalong-lalo na sa mga amerikano..gustong-gusto ko nga pasabugin ang US Embassy pag nadadaanan ko un sa Roxas Blvd. eh...Pero bago ko pasabugin un, uunahin ko muna ung Malacanang para matigok na si Gloria! Bwahahahaha!!! Mamamatay tao ako ng mga taong mamamatay tao din!!! Double-dead, ika nga!


Weird noh! Ewan ko ba kung bakit biglang-bigla eh naging person full of angst ako..dati-rati naman ang sweet-sweet ng image ko...ngayon, pag nakakakita ako ng mga babaeng mayaman at saksakan ng arte, gustong-gusto kong ingudngod ang mukha sa semento..pag naman lalakeng mayaman na saksakan ng yabang, ay neng, gusto kong pasabugin ang nguso! Ang kakapal ng mukha! Ang daming taong naghihirap sa buong mundo at walang makain, samantalang sila, gimmick dito, gimmick doon! Walang pakialam na nagtatapon ng pera sa walang kapararakang bagay! Ay mga letse kayo! Anong feeling ninyo, habangbuhay na kayong rich? Hindi oy! Life is like a wheel noh!

Sana pag gising ko maya-maya, normal na ang takbo ng isip ko..zzzzZZZZ

It’s been two years now

Since you said your last goodbye

And I still can’t find the strength

To move on and let you go

From that moment when I saw you

Lying lifeless inside that gloomy room

I know for sure,

I will never be okay

never again in this lifetime

That painful moment, I so wanted to hate you

Hate you for not fulfilling your promise

Of growing old with me

Hate you for leaving me that fast and sudden

I wanted to loathe the fact of you coming into my life

I wanted to scream at you, shout at you

Blame you for this never-ending pain you’ve caused my heart

I wanted so bad to stop my heart from loving you

But honey, I truly can’t

Believe me, I can’t

For how can I get mad at the only man

Who taught me how it’s like to love unconditionally?

How can I hate the only guy who made me feel so much loved and taken cared of?

How can I fill my heart with fury for that one special person

Who showered me with so much affection and kindness?

And yes, how can I truly abhor those wonderful memories you and I had shared

If those were my life’s greatest recollection?

Indeed, the memories of our love were the finest chronicles of my existence

You may have left me out of the blue

And I might never see you again in this lifetime

But honey, be rest assured that you’ve already brought my heart with you there in heaven

My dear, you forgot to give it back to me when you left

But that’s fine…

In fact, I demand that you keep it forever with you

And I promise you I’ll take good care of your heart with me

My love, time may pass me by

And I might never get up again from this painful mire

And yet, I will not care a bit

For I know, I believe in my very heart

That after this throbbing chapter of my being

I will finally be happy again

I’ll finally stumble on that rainbow of happiness again

And that, my honey, will happen

If I lose my breath and never open my eyes anymore

For only in my death, could I ever find you again

Only in my death, could I again kiss you and embrace you tightly

Only when I finally say goodbye to this world

Could I ever find my true happiness again

And that’s when we’ll be together once more

Allow me to cry and shed my tears for you today

For not long after this day, I’ll be showing my lovely and precious smile again

And yes, that will happen in another lifetime

In another lifetime where our hearts will be united in love again

Go on my dear

Go on and play your lyre now

Sing our favorite songs with your fellow angels

And I’ll go on sail my ship now

I still have a long journey to take

But I promise you,

I’ll never loose sight of that star

Which symbolizes your eternal love for me

Don’t worry about me, my love

I promise you, I’ll try to carry on

Through the power of our eternal love

I know, I’ll make it through

Goodbye for now, my dear

Until we meet again



10-21-02

I just finished watching Polar Express and i can't help but write something about it...It was such a nice, heartwarming film...Actually, the story was just simple--it's just about a boy who doesn't believe in Santa Claus because he saw Santa's clothes inside his dad's closet..On the eve of Xmas, he saw a train passing by their house..when he went out, the conductor asked him to hop in and join them in their trip to the North Pole...And that started the little boy's magical Xmas trip that changed his views about Christmas, Santa, and life in general..
Watching the film made me yearn so much to go back in time when life was as simple as 123 (now, what do we get? a 168?)..It made me long for that time when whenever i think of Christmas, I only think of the happiness it brings to my young heart (think of the gifts, the sumptuous meals, aginaldos, Christmas trees, etc.)..It made me want to return to the time when mine and my sister's "pamasko" were always in pair (either different colors but same in style, or same color and different in styles)..Needless to say, that film made me hanker for my little girl in pigtail days--when life was very simple; when i only worry about what "pasalubong" will my mom give me when she get back from work; when i was free to dream of whatever i want to be (be it being the queen of england, an actress, or a singer); and when the only pain i know was physical--like bruises and scratches--and yes, very vert far from the heart...

As people grow old, life becomes more and more complicated and difficult..problems tend to grow a lot knotty, following us wherever we go..worries become bigger; dreams somehow get out of our grips; and pains grow to be more excruciating and agonizing, that it can no longer be healed by bandages and mom's loving touch..

Somehow, i can't help but wish i never grow old..so i could still continue believing that superheroes are indeed real; that Santa Claus is not really my pops; so i could still long for weekends and feel giddy about summer for it means no school and lots of playtime with my cousins and friends; so i could still sleep during siesta and just do my assignments when i wake up; so i could still ask moolah from my mom without feeling guilty and useless; so i could still free my mind from eletricity bills, water bills, insurance, and never-ending taxes; so i could eat at wherever i want without thinking of the budget; and so i could be freed from the throbbing pain i'm feeling inside...

But i guess, that's just how life is...you can only pass by that stage once--there's really no turning back..That stage of my life might be the simplest and happiest phase, but still, i might not be able to experience that other side of my life if i didn't leave that part..Perhaps, my understanding of life in general might not grow as deep as now, if i never grow old..And yes, i might not be able to meet such a wonderful guy in Oliver and my dreams might not find its way to reality, hadn't i grow old..oh well, guess i just have to savor this time i have now, for who knows, i might one day yearn for this moment, too....


"One thing about dreams...it doesn't matter where you're going; what matters is deciding to get on.."- Polar Express