Leaving Inner Space

“Perhaps, I’d rather stay in your heart where the world can’t see me…"

I tell you, it really stroke me! I just read it from the short story written by a certain Arnel, which is about a daughter who’s mom has breast cancer and only have eight months to live. The story is good—a little usual I think, since it again tells of how people cope with that ever devastating situation of losing someone ‘cause of that bitter slice of life called DEATH. It was on that certain part of the story that really kept my eye glued on the paper…the part where the mother is talking to her daughter casually about death…And that was what she said..that she’s rather stay in her daughter’s heart where the world can’t see her…For that certain moment, I felt like Oliver talked me through that thousand of words written on that page from the magazine. I felt like as if Oliver was the one saying the line… Could it be? Well, only the heart knows. I believe in my heart that it’s what he wanted to tell me. That I should not feel alone and lonely because I still have him….only this time, only me could feel,,only my heart could see…I never really thought of how good life is since he died…I never even dared to dream big since he left. It’s like I decided to stop my world from revolving since he died…I don’t even know where I’m heading.. I stopped dreaming..I stopped wishing---oh well, there’s still one wish that I haven’t stopped aiming for---that is to see him once again, for the last time in this life…Can you imagine how miserable I became since he left? I never even thought of growing old because I feel like as if I’m not gonna reach 30…I don’t really know what is God’s plan for me…I don’t really know why it has to happened to me…Presently, I’m taking life one day at a time..I just go with the flow..I’m like a leaf, floating freely in the air..very fragile…It can’t even decide on where to go..only the wind knows where it will take the leaf….I don’t know for how long will I feel this way—or will I ever get over this pain….I just wish that one day, when I wake up, it’s already Oliver’s face that I will see…I’m yearning for that day when we could be together again…sharing the love that may not be bound here in this lifetime, but is meant to last till eternity…

I really had a grand time at party central last friday..Thie, Em, and I watched MYMP and Side A..well, actually twas em's event..she had to write a story about it...but it was really thie and I who were so gagah about MYMP and Side A...grabeh! juris' voice is really cool! she could make you feel like being cuddled to sleep..sobrang lamig...even the way she performed,,astig talaga..i personally like her moves when she sang Waiting in Vain...it's like ur watching a reggae band...even the way she dressed that night,,huh! lufet! and of course,,no one can ever beat my fave local band,SiDe A...they never really fails to lift up my spirit,,,then, the band's new bassist sang LATER by Fra Lippo Lippi and that really made me emotional,,,twas one of oliver's personal fave....he was really touched with the song's tune and lyrics..thie told me that maybe oliver's with us that time...and that made me think..yeah, maybe he's really there...so, being a let-me-ask-for-a-sign person that i am, i told myself that if one of oliver's fave songs will be played for the last time, then i will be convinced that he was really with me that time...i have no song in particular--but since side a's the one performing, i first thought of FOREVERMORE...haplessly, side a's next set of songs were all dance music na...then, finally, they told the crowd that their next song will be thir last song na..hoping against hope, i still waited for it--only to be disappointed,,coz they're last song was still a disco one..then the band already gave thanks to the audience and the lights were already put off...so thie and I decided to go out na...and talking about signs, just when i thought oliver has already forgotten me na,,the intro of forevermore started to play in the background,,it was like, huh? then, i heard joey generoso singing forevermore,,and that indeed cause me to be sooo emotional that i almost broke into tears...why not? i've just had one miracle--one great indication that love really moves in mysterious ways...when joey g. started singing forevermore, i knew oliver's with me,,i knew from my heart he's watching me..i could even feel his hands holding mine...it's what you call the signs from heaven...sometime, you just have to believe...imagine, i never thought they will still sing that..in all three times that i've watched side a perform live in concert, they always, always, end their song with a dance one...they never ended it with a love song or slow one...and now what? really, love is so powerful..time and distance don't really matter when two hearts are in love...only they could understand why...oliver really loved the song..i still remember we were riding a fx on the way to his school when that song was played over the radio...he then told me that he really liked the song...he even sung it for me...and i was really touched coz i felt like he was dedicating that to me....i'm not really a forevermore-fanatic before coz for me it's already a gasgas song since almost all lovers have it for their theme song--and i could hear it on almost all weddings that i'd attended...but oliver's gesture made me love to play the song over and over again....he even whispered the lyrics on my ear and that was really sooo kilig...oh hell! it made me miss him more and more now. if only i could sleep for one whole day and just be with him wherever he is, then that would be one of the greatest thing that will happen to me after he left....then, when we were walking along abs-cbn, we honestly smelled a candle...yeah, you might find it weird or oa or what, but that's true...hey, it was raining that time and we were on the streets, so who the hell would light a candle outside a rainy street? i just know from my heart that my honey's really there..i believe when he told me that he'll never ever leave me...i know he's always here...inside my heart...

Argh! Rainy days once again! Know what? I hate rainy season. Aside from the fact that it’s quite annoying going to work looking like a wet chick--not to forget that you can’t also don your pretty dress you’ve just bought from Folded and Hung cuz you have to wear something that is perfect for rainy days--but please! Not a water-proof bohemian skirt dude! One thing I hate most about rainy days? Memories! Well, call me a sentimental and emotional freak if you want, but the sound of the rain showers really causes a lot of stab on my heart. Oh well, of course, I used to love rain before! I’ve been a kid and kids love playing outside the rain. I’ve been to school, and as a schoolgirl, rain for me means NO CLASSES if not SUSPENSION OF CLASSES! Hahaha, those good old childhood years! Okay, so I do love rain. I love the cool breeze and the sound of rain on the rooftop. But that was before Oliver died. And now that he’s gone, I wish it will not rain for the rest of my days!
Memories of the two of us together, cuddling each other under the thick blanket during one of our getaways in Zambales, in particular, is what rain reminds of me. Well, it was summer time when we went to Zambales, but it’s already mid May so as expected, it’s already the start of the rainy season. It was so cold and we honestly weren’t able to swim on the white waters of Zambales because of the storm. So we just stayed inside the cottage and rest and talk and cuddle each other the whole time we’re there--and of course, we kissed a lot! Mushy! Wheww! I could still feel the warmth of his body sweetly embracing me! Those were the happiest days of my existence. We’re like really husband and wife then--going to the market to buy our food, eating together na nakakamay, talking about our love story and sharing our plans for the future, sleeping together. And this I tell you, it feels so good waking up in the morning seeing the face of your other half smiling at you like as if he’s been watching you and gazing at your lovely face the whole night! Oliver always did that to me. He would often wake up before I did and I would always see him gazing at me, then he’ll whisper the words I LOVE YOU that really never fails to melt my system, making it a start of a wonderful day for me. I just love those good old sweet days of ours. Never mind if it’s a takas and that my mom thought I was in Laguna with Liza. Honestly, there are no regrest whatsoever. And if there should be a regret, that will be just because I didn’t tell my mom the real score. But spending those feel-good moments with Oliver made it all amiss. I would have regret it more if I didn’t go on with my heart’s desires. At least, even if he’s no longer here on earth physically with me, I still have with me those wonderful memories that I would forever cherish inside my heart and soul.
And so, why do I hate rain? Because the sound of the rain made me even more feel the fact that those happy moments with Oliver can never happen again in this lifetime. Not unless God would grant my wish to bring him back to me at least for a day. It’s like rain showers add more insult to the already heartbreaking injury. It made me even more realize that , yeah, oliver’s already gone. Well, i’d love to love rain again. I’d love to feel the happiness whenever I hear rain showers. But I want to love it again with oliver. Hell yeah, I might as well just wait for my next lifetime. Hit it!


****it was a post i published over my Friendster blogs two years ago..i just thought of sharing this with whoever is interested in reading my blogs..thanks anyway!